Convulsion

 

If she could just see me now, she’d be sure to love me, I’ll bet.  I’ll bet she would.  How could she not?  Look at me.  Look at me now.  How I am.  If she could just see me like this – waiting for her, hours early, way before she’s due; watching for any sign or sound of her.  She’d see how eager I was.  She’d see this desperation in my chest.  If she could just see me now, from a distance, without me knowing she’s watching, she’d see me as I really am.  How could she not have some feeling toward me then?  Some – but maybe not.  Maybe that’s – I mean, maybe there’s some repulsion in something like that.  I don’t know how that works exactly but – maybe there’s a – a revulsion of some kind when someone is too eager – too needful, too needy.  I don’t know.  Some – convulsion.  No.  No, that’s not – That’s not it.  That’s not even a word is it?  “Convulse.“ If she could just remember that one time, when was it – that one time back in Knoxville when we were kissing on the train; that long long kiss we had – saying good-bye – and the train suddenly took off from the station but I wasn’t supposed to be going with her; I mean, that’s why we were saying good-bye, thinking we weren’t going to see each other again for a long, long time and we were locked in this long – just kissing and kissing and suddenly the train was moving and there was no way I could get off.  Trees and houses were flashing by.  So they dumped me at the next station, which was miles down the track, and there I was, waiting for hours for the next train back – I mean, if she could have seen me then, just standing there waiting, she’d – she’d be sure to love me.  I mean, how could she not have some – I don’t know.  I don’t know what causes that to happen – that connection – anymore.  If there ever was one.

 

(Sam Shepard: “Convulsion”, Great Dream of Heaven, 2003)

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